Remembering With Music

This morning I heard a song that made me think of Layne. I wish he was still around. I'm not even sure what that would look like at this point. I have forgotten what it's like to have Layne be a part of my daily life. I was grateful for the song. It was a reminder of some of the happy things about our lives. I'm thankful music helps me to understand and feel. It seemed Layne wasn't very far away when I was listening to the song. I know he wants to help. I haven't really felt him around much lately. Well, for the past couple of years it seems. In general, he seemed to be there at first and then he  didn't. Maybe today was his way of letting me know he's still around - I just need to be more aware.

Caregiver Voice

I just had an experience where I realized that I have a thing where I will speak up for others that need an advocate. I guess I learned something when I was a caregiver. I have a voice. There are times that voice needs to be used for someone else that isn't able to speak for themselves. I got used to doing that with Layne. Although, he was a little stubborn about letting me do that. He typically felt like he had things covered. There were times I was asked a question directly or times that I needed to throw out an idea that would work better for him.

Walk on Water

A week or so ago I had a thought come to me. It was the thought to walk on water. I had been studying about Christ walking on the water and how Peter followed him. He was asked about his faith when he started to sink and Christ helped him.
When I had the thought it was about how I have hard things that I need to do. I am doing most things on my own. I no longer have a life partner or a parenting teammate. That changes so many factors in my life. The thought of walking on water was a reminder to me that I need to have a great deal of faith to sustain me through all that needs to be done.
It's not about attempting to do amazing things so that others notice and are wowed. It's about knowing where my strength comes from and acknowledging that on a daily basis. It's about working with Christ and not on my own. It's about knowing something will be hard and doing it anyway because I'm relying on my Savior and His grace.
Life changes are hard. Everyone has something that feels big to them. We all have challenges. If you believe in a higher being...depend on that strength. It will give you courage. It will prove to be a strength to you.

Solo Parenting

I've been thinking about solo parenting since yesterday was Mother's Day. There are times I wish Layne was still here. I liked it better when he was here to take care of some of the responsibilities. Life was easier. But, I guess that's not the point of this life. It works so much better when a team is working together than just having one person doing it all. I'm still able to find joy in my experiences. I think my biggest thing (besides missing him) is doing it all on my own. And when I say all...I mean all. I'm not just referring to the specifics of being a parent. Although, that certainly feels like enough in itself.

Widow's Fog Clearing

I've noticed the last little while that I have more energy, I'm more capable of taking action, and decisions are somewhat doable. I think most of the widow's fog has lifted for me. The results are being able to get more done, thinking more clearly, and having a desire to actually be social and try new things. I'm no longer sitting at home trying to muddle through. Well, maybe I'll always feel like I'm muddling through life. That might be common. I'm human just like everyone else.
I'm grateful that I'm able to use my brain a little more. I've been able to learn and apply more things. I've also been able to get a few more things done. I might have already said that. It might be what makes me most excited. I've struggled with productivity all my life and I'm actually making some headway with it. So, that's good news and I'm thrilled. I'm hoping to keep it going.

Overwhelm

This morning I was thinking about overwhelm. I have spent most of my life in the overwhelm mode when it comes to getting things done. I wonder why when Heavenly Father knows this - he still let life happen. Layne is gone and two things have happened. The first is that the guy that picked up all my slack is no longer here. The other thing is that I now have more to do. The stewardship we shared together are now mine...along with all of the things that I was in charge of for myself. So, I have more to do and less help. I feel like I'm in overwhelm even more than I have ever been. I miss him. Obviously, I miss that my husband isn't here. In addition to that - I miss the guy that helped with getting things done. It's been 3.5 years and I still don't know how to get everything done.

There must be a reason. I just don't know what that is yet. I know my heavenly parents wouldn't just leave me stranded. Maybe they decided I needed to make it on my own or I wouldn't be able to learn how to not feel the overwhelm. I just feel at a loss as to how to make it work. I don't know what I'm doing. I have been working on this issue for as long as I have been old enough to realize it was a concern.

Dad Jokes

I was taking the 14 year old to seminary today. She was telling me how she was excited to be going back after a two year break. She said she needed her dad jokes. Apparently, her teacher is known for them. I'm glad she has someone to fill in the gap. I'm thankful that for the most part - what we might have felt like we were lacking has been swallowed up in others filling in the spaces.

Family Testimony Meeting

We had a family testimony meeting tonight. The girls and I have been working on the Faith value in Personal Progress. One of the topics is the atonement. Part of the requirement is to share your testimony in a sacrament meeting. I did that this morning. The girls weren't quite comfortable doing so...so, we did a family testimony meeting instead. It worked fine. Rachel had just given a talk a couple of weeks ago and so when she showed hesitation about getting up in sacrament meeting I told her we could do it another way. Megan decided that would work best for her too.
I shared that long explanation just to share what Megan told us in her testimony. She said she had an experience this morning during her prayers. She asked about her dad and wondered if he was still proud of her. I think she just wanted to know if he was still aware of her. Whatever her experience was - she told us that she now knows that he is proud of her and loves her...and that it's the same for the rest of the family. I'm so glad she was able to have that witness. I'm so grateful to know that Layne still exists. I know he still helps when he can and that he is busy. I don't know what else he does. But, I am so thankful that he took the time to let his daughter know that he was proud of her and loved her. I'm thankful that he was able to do that and that she asked and was willing to listen.

Bathroom Progress

I've gotten things started on my bathroom. This week the tear out has happened along with the rough for the plumber. Tomorrow drywall will be going up for the part of the bathroom that is not part of the shower. I'm looking forward to the finished product and hope it doesn't take as long as the hall bathroom did. I have the tile for the shower and still need to figure out the shower door and floor tile. I also need to get going on the paint for the bathroom and my bedroom. I'm hopeful for the day when it will all come together.
I feel like this is not something I would have done without Layne. In fact, this is something that I might have had Layne do most of when he was still around. This time it's all me. I've been learning a few things and I'm better at it than I was when I first started getting things organized to and put together to make all of it happen. I've been in charge of several home projects this past year and I'm starting to get the hang of it.

First Snow

Today is our first snow fall of the year. My youngest, who is twelve, came into my room to tell me about it. She was thrilled. I was looking through the window later thinking about how it was the first snow of the year and all of the sudden realized something. I never pruned the rose bushes in back. Hmm...too late now.
It seems like that's how things seem to go around here. There's quite often something that hasn't been done quite yet. There's always something else to do. I guess it's really that the tasks are never ending. This is the life of one that is doing the solo parenting thing.

Solo Parenting

Jacob will be leaving on his mission this Wednesday. I'm excited for him and his new adventures. We will miss him. We're still trying to take care of all the last minute things. I don't look forward to saying good bye when the time comes...and it will.
I've been a little stressed about all the preparations the last couple of days. The other morning I woke up early. I was attempting to get back to sleep. I had a thought come to me about Layne and how great it would be to have him here to help Jacob get ready...to be here for me as well. We could do this together. I feel like I'm dealing with all of the preparations and all of the emotions that come with sending a child out into the world by myself. Reality is - I am doing that. I don't just feel like I am. I know there are other single parents that send their kids on a mission. It just feels like one of those times when it's obvious a parent is missing.

No Longer Date Night

I spent a little time shedding some tears tonight. I felt both lonely and alone. I'm not sure how to define or explain that...somehow I really was feeling two different things. I felt very much like I had no one to turn to and like I were all by myself at the same time. I know those sound so similar that I might as well consider them the same thing. At the same time...they didn't feel like the same thing.  The kids were home doing their thing. So, a person would think that I wouldn't feel either alone or lonely with 4+ teens in the house. (A friend was here for a bit.) I allowed myself to acknowledge that there are times a widow is going to feel lonely. I'm used to Friday being date night. And, here I am feeling alone at home. I didn't tell my kids. They came into my room and talked with me a couple of times. I just wasn't feeling it somehow. They all had their own topics to discuss. That's what they think I'm here for...to talk with them anytime about anything. I mostly love that. (I love the part about them feeling comfortable sharing with me.) It's a little harder when I'm feeling alone and almost as if I want to be left alone. I needed time to process what I was feeling and why. There were a couple of moments during my tears when I thought about action I needed to take to not feel alone. I asked myself about ways I could make friends and what I could be doing with those that I already know...both family and friends. It was odd to feel so lonely that I felt a little helpless. I'm not used to feeling that way. I'm grateful that for the most part - I feel like life is relatively good. I feel very blessed. It's just that realistically...I don't have a someone. That can feel lonely after experiencing and being used to having 'a person' in your daily life for years.

Sprinkler Key

I went to turn on the outside water today. (I know. It's July. It should have already been done. No judging.) The sprinkler key is metal and almost as tall as I am. The knob it needs to connect with is a couple of feet under ground...at least. It's always been tricky. I have never turned the knob myself. I have watched Layne do it and I have watched my oldest son be successful with it. Each time it takes multiple tries. The knob is at an odd angle and it's difficult to know where it is...even with a flashlight. I tried several times - thought maybe I had it and then attempted to turn on the sprinklers. Nope. Didn't work. I went to try again. I truly want to be able to do this by myself. It's probable that the two strongest people in this household will have moved out before another year rolls around. It's a task that needs to be done annually (twice actually...because 'someone' has to turn it off in the fall). I feel like I need to make sure I know what I'm doing and am able to accomplish the task on my own. I finally decided to get a flashlight. If I could just know I was connecting with the gold object down there it would be great.🙂 It's such a science.😉 I tried a few more times. I continued to use the flashlight to guide me. I thought about the light of Christ and how it can truly help us in our lives. I thought of the Holy Ghost and using that influence as a guide. After doing what I could and not having any success...I turned my thoughts to how sometimes we just need to ask for help. I wasn't able to keep the key on the knob long enough to get the torque I needed. I have watched someone stronger than me be able to succeed...eventually...with this task. Obviously because the task isn't finished yet...to be continued...

A Hand To Hold

It would be nice to have someone to hold hands with...
I thought of this when I was in the temple with some others that have been widowed. It came to me that it would be nice to have someone to sit next to and hold hands with...someone I didn't have to worry about personal space with...
I also thought of it while I was in a movie with the kids. I love doing things with the kids - but, I also miss sitting next to someone that I can hold hands with while watching the movie...maybe even someone to lean against.
I also thought of it while I was in church...sitting in Sacrament Meeting...the thought came to me that it would be great to have someone there with me.
I realize there are other times to hold hands and other things that married couples do...these are just times it struck me that it would be nice to have a hand to hold.
It's interesting to think that awhile ago - I might have had something like this pop into my head and I would think of it in specific terms of missing those things with Layne. The last little while it was more of just thinking it would be nice to have someone next to me and holding my hand...as if everything was going to be alright...as if there was someone that wanted to be near me. Life can occasionally feel a little lonely.

How Can I Help The Most?

Now I have to process what I felt so good about at the temple. That seems to be the way it works for me. I will have an answer or idea come and I feel really good about it when I'm having the experience. I feel great and commit. And then...well, and then reality hits. I leave the temple and I have the opportunity to figure out how I can incorporate whatever it is into my life. So with this one...

I obviously can't see into the future. I don't know what it would be like if I were to remarry or stay single. I can't exactly live both for a couple of decades and then decide and start over.:} I have no way of knowing which of those things will help me influence the most people.

So...here's my solution.
I decided that I just need to focus on being the best person I can be. I will commit to doing what needs to be done to progress everyday. I will do what it takes to be in tune to what I need to do and strive to follow the inspiration and promptings. 

It's possible that Heavenly Father was just trying to tell me to ignore the getting remarried idea because it seems like so much effort. I hadn't realized I was doing that. There are multiple factors at play - so, that's not really the whole thing. But, it may have been a thing for me. It will no longer be a thing. I won't be being proactive about it any time soon. I just don't want to ignore the option if it's presents itself. 

This has also truly helped me put more focus on living my life with the help of divine inspiration. I know that when I do that life will be even better. It might push me more in some ways that might be hard. But, with the help of the Godhead...I can do hard things. The best part is that as I follow where I'm lead - life will be even better for me. I also know I will be able to help others better and live a more joyful life that way.

Loved

I went to the temple today. I was praying about the kids...hoping for some direction on how to best help them. I started to pray and immediately heard, "Layne loves you. He loves the kids.". I'm pretty sure that's when the water works started. Sort of...I attempted to not be too out of control.:} There are just some moments that make a difference. I was so very grateful for the message. I already knew that. At the same time, things have been a little different lately. When Layne first died there were times I felt him near. There were times I knew he was helping with different things. I just knew it was him. That doesn't happen very much anymore...if there are times he's jumping in to help...I haven't caught on that's it's him.
Another thing I've been thinking about lately is that I'm having a hard time remembering what it's like to have Layne around. I've forgotten what it's like to sit by him and talk with him. I've forgotten what it's like when he held me or kissed me. I've forgotten what it's like to automatically think of myself as part of a couple. All of those kinds of things...they're not there anymore. I'm somehow past being able to imagine what all of that feels like. I didn't think I would ever get to that point. I miss him. It feels like there's some contradiction there. There are things that remind me of him on a daily basis...yet, remembering what it's like to be with him just isn't there anymore. Maybe it's a mind and heart thing. My brain remembers him. My heart knows there's a guy that used to reside there...but, the feelings themselves are hard to resurrect. I don't want to sound callous. I love him, I miss him, I still think he's amazing and I love many things about him. I wish he were here. Maybe I'm just realizing that I don't know what it's like to have a husband anymore. Although, I don't know if that makes sense either because I know what it's like to be married and have a husband. Maybe it's just the logistics I remember. Ugh. This is one of those times I wish I were more articulate...that I knew a way to explain exactly what I mean. Perhaps as I process more it'll come together a bit better.

Married or Single

In the temple today I was asked if I wanted to do some sealings. I declined as I didn't have much time. I also haven't done sealings since Layne passed away. I know I should work on that...but, I just haven't. Being asked that question reminded me of the last time Layne and I were across the alter from each other. It was in Nauvoo during a reunion that my family had there just months before Layne died. I savored the memory. I was then back to the present where I have been processing the idea of remarrying or staying single. When Layne first died I had no intention of ever finding anyone else. I felt like I was already married. I remember someone had mentioned it to me just a couple of months after his passing and I might have had a tiny melt down. My Dad responded for me. I was there - but, he could tell I wasn't able to speak. At the time, I was a little horrified that someone would even mention it.
Fast forward to the present. I have since had conversations with others about their ideas on getting remarried. I feel more comfortable socializing with others and getting out of my comfort zone. Today in the temple it hit me that I just want to do what will work best. It's all about how I will be able to live my life's purpose and help people along the way (which I feel is part of my life's mission). If I will be able to be part of a stronger force in helping others if I get remarried...then, bring it on. If I will be able to reach more people being single...let's get the ball rolling. I guess at this point I need to figure out what that will be. Either way, I have some work to do.:}

Yesterday

Yesterday, I started my day missing Layne. It might not be a good sign when you start the day crying. The day moved forward - hurrying while all five of us used the same bathroom to get ready and then we were off to church. While there I was able to feel the spirit and receive some inspiration from message/lessons/thoughts that were shared. I spoke with several others...getting the update on what was going on with them and with one in particular...how I could help. I had questions answered about upcoming events. After church, I was able to meet with someone from both the Bishopric and Stake Presidency in order to renew my temple recommend. That's not usually a thing. I'm grateful they took the time for me. It felt like my own little miracle.

Once we were home, we took a breather and then I had the kids get the veggie tray items together to share at a family event we were heading to that evening. We drove to my folks house and were able to witness my newest nephew, James, given a name and a blessing. He's the first child of my sister Nicole and her husband Danny. Memorable experience. 

While we were there I had a chance to meet a few people that were new to me and visit with those that I already know and love. There was a time when I suddenly hit a wall and the words, "I'm exhausted.", came to mind. After that, I felt as if I was just observing the conversations of others...wanting to be someone that was engaged in chatting with others and strengthening relationships. I guess that takes energy. I attempted conversation a couple of times...didn't quite work. 

I was also discouraged a little. One of my kids acted on emotion and did something that they knew they shouldn't have done and yet didn't quite see what the other options might be. We had a long talk. In the end - not sure anything was changed - but, we did have some things we will be working on together. After that talk, I felt even more worn out. I had thoughts of wishing I wasn't needing to do this parenting thing without my husband. I might have had a thought about how it wasn't fair. It wasn't fair he was gone and it wasn't fair I was doing everything on my own. It didn't seem fair that I didn't even have the energy to associate with others.

I spoke with my dad for a few minutes about finances too. That's hard for me. I don't like thinking about the necessary evil that is money. Maybe I wouldn't mind it if I actually had it. He's been helping with some things and reminded me of an offer to help with another piece of my kids' lives. I get discouraged and feel like a disappointment at times when I think of how I grew up and what my financial scenario is now. I don't know how I fell so far. I can't seem to get back up either. I watch the opportunities that my kids' cousins have and I know my kids will never have those things. Things that will help them to get further ahead quicker. Things that will make it so they won't struggle their whole lives just to make sure physical needs are met. We want more for our kids than that. I can't offer that to them. There are things that I would enjoy too. But, those things don't feel as important as enriching my children's lives.

We stayed around for a bit more and finally headed home. I made sure food was put away and then headed for bed. By that time, my kids were telling me to go to bed. Was I being grouchy? Was I not making sense? Was I dragging so much that they thought I wouldn't make it up the stairs to my room? I don't know. I just know I was tired and it didn't take me long to head into dreamland.

More Than Furniture

I've been trying to get things updated in the house. They have been needed for awhile. I'll be grateful when everything is done. I'm aware that with a house and yard there will always be something to do. I'm making that statement specifically about the list of current projects. I'm thankful that the last little while I've been able to think more clearly and make decisions a little better. I think most of the widow's fog is gone - maybe. It might be a little like when I was pregnant and the kids were little - people would joke about losing brain cells with every pregnancy. Maybe there's something similar when it comes to being a widow.
I really starting writing this because yesterday I received an email from the service missionaries in our ward. Well, they're not members of our ward - they're serving in our ward - helping with some of the temporal and fellowshipping needs that are in our ward. They reached out asking if there was furniture I could use. I told them yes and it was delivered last night. There was a desk/chair and a chest of drawers. I thought to put them in my room. Although, when the girls saw the desk and sat in the chair...they got excited about having those things in their room. I actually like the idea - so, we're going to go with it. They are thrilled to have somewhere to sit besides their beds or the floor. One of the current projects is to update my bedroom a little bit. It's more of a purge, paint, move the furniture, and get new blinds kind of project. The only money spent was going to be paint and the blinds. I felt as if someone was telling me that it's okay to have something new (to me) in my room as well. That it was okay to have a chest of drawers that was something different than what we picked up pre-estate sale from one of Layne's coworkers and had used since we first got married. What I have now would still have been able to function. It's just that it'll be nice to have something new - a new look, I guess. For some reason this time it felt like someone was looking out for me...giving me something that I wasn't expecting...just because. I think Layne might have had something to do with it.  At least I like to think so.

To Decide Or Not To Decide

We're redoing our bathrooms. I just picked out tile for the hall bathroom floor. It took me awhile. I sure wish Layne were there to help me out. It wouldn't have taken so long to decide. He was always better at all of that than I was. I hope what I finally chose will actually work. It seems like there are so many decisions to make. There are schedules to coordinate. It's getting done - but, I don't feel like I'm doing a very good job of it all. At least it's finally happening - so, that's good. 

Layne was good at deciding and not worrying too much about whether it was the right decision or not. It would have been great to have someone else there to bring up other ideas and factors. I don't really like making decisions on my own...well, mostly. There are sometimes it's not a big deal. 

The other cool thing about having Layne around is that he could do the heavy lifting. Seriously, it would have been fabulous to have his healthy self there to heft the boxes of tile. I struggled a bit.