A Hand To Hold

It would be nice to have someone to hold hands with...
I thought of this when I was in the temple with some others that have been widowed. It came to me that it would be nice to have someone to sit next to and hold hands with...someone I didn't have to worry about personal space with...
I also thought of it while I was in a movie with the kids. I love doing things with the kids - but, I also miss sitting next to someone that I can hold hands with while watching the movie...maybe even someone to lean against.
I also thought of it while I was in church...sitting in Sacrament Meeting...the thought came to me that it would be great to have someone there with me.
I realize there are other times to hold hands and other things that married couples do...these are just times it struck me that it would be nice to have a hand to hold.
It's interesting to think that awhile ago - I might have had something like this pop into my head and I would think of it in specific terms of missing those things with Layne. The last little while it was more of just thinking it would be nice to have someone next to me and holding my hand...as if everything was going to be alright...as if there was someone that wanted to be near me. Life can occasionally feel a little lonely.

Loved

I went to the temple today. I was praying about the kids...hoping for some direction on how to best help them. I started to pray and immediately heard, "Layne loves you. He loves the kids.". I'm pretty sure that's when the water works started. Sort of...I attempted to not be too out of control.:} There are just some moments that make a difference. I was so very grateful for the message. I already knew that. At the same time, things have been a little different lately. When Layne first died there were times I felt him near. There were times I knew he was helping with different things. I just knew it was him. That doesn't happen very much anymore...if there are times he's jumping in to help...I haven't caught on that's it's him.
Another thing I've been thinking about lately is that I'm having a hard time remembering what it's like to have Layne around. I've forgotten what it's like to sit by him and talk with him. I've forgotten what it's like when he held me or kissed me. I've forgotten what it's like to automatically think of myself as part of a couple. All of those kinds of things...they're not there anymore. I'm somehow past being able to imagine what all of that feels like. I didn't think I would ever get to that point. I miss him. It feels like there's some contradiction there. There are things that remind me of him on a daily basis...yet, remembering what it's like to be with him just isn't there anymore. Maybe it's a mind and heart thing. My brain remembers him. My heart knows there's a guy that used to reside there...but, the feelings themselves are hard to resurrect. I don't want to sound callous. I love him, I miss him, I still think he's amazing and I love many things about him. I wish he were here. Maybe I'm just realizing that I don't know what it's like to have a husband anymore. Although, I don't know if that makes sense either because I know what it's like to be married and have a husband. Maybe it's just the logistics I remember. Ugh. This is one of those times I wish I were more articulate...that I knew a way to explain exactly what I mean. Perhaps as I process more it'll come together a bit better.

Married or Single

In the temple today I was asked if I wanted to do some sealings. I declined as I didn't have much time. I also haven't done sealings since Layne passed away. I know I should work on that...but, I just haven't. Being asked that question reminded me of the last time Layne and I were across the alter from each other. It was in Nauvoo during a reunion that my family had there just months before Layne died. I savored the memory. I was then back to the present where I have been processing the idea of remarrying or staying single. When Layne first died I had no intention of ever finding anyone else. I felt like I was already married. I remember someone had mentioned it to me just a couple of months after his passing and I might have had a tiny melt down. My Dad responded for me. I was there - but, he could tell I wasn't able to speak. At the time, I was a little horrified that someone would even mention it.
Fast forward to the present. I have since had conversations with others about their ideas on getting remarried. I feel more comfortable socializing with others and getting out of my comfort zone. Today in the temple it hit me that I just want to do what will work best. It's all about how I will be able to live my life's purpose and help people along the way (which I feel is part of my life's mission). If I will be able to be part of a stronger force in helping others if I get remarried...then, bring it on. If I will be able to reach more people being single...let's get the ball rolling. I guess at this point I need to figure out what that will be. Either way, I have some work to do.:}