Yesterday

Yesterday, I started my day missing Layne. It might not be a good sign when you start the day crying. The day moved forward - hurrying while all five of us used the same bathroom to get ready and then we were off to church. While there I was able to feel the spirit and receive some inspiration from message/lessons/thoughts that were shared. I spoke with several others...getting the update on what was going on with them and with one in particular...how I could help. I had questions answered about upcoming events. After church, I was able to meet with someone from both the Bishopric and Stake Presidency in order to renew my temple recommend. That's not usually a thing. I'm grateful they took the time for me. It felt like my own little miracle.

Once we were home, we took a breather and then I had the kids get the veggie tray items together to share at a family event we were heading to that evening. We drove to my folks house and were able to witness my newest nephew, James, given a name and a blessing. He's the first child of my sister Nicole and her husband Danny. Memorable experience. 

While we were there I had a chance to meet a few people that were new to me and visit with those that I already know and love. There was a time when I suddenly hit a wall and the words, "I'm exhausted.", came to mind. After that, I felt as if I was just observing the conversations of others...wanting to be someone that was engaged in chatting with others and strengthening relationships. I guess that takes energy. I attempted conversation a couple of times...didn't quite work. 

I was also discouraged a little. One of my kids acted on emotion and did something that they knew they shouldn't have done and yet didn't quite see what the other options might be. We had a long talk. In the end - not sure anything was changed - but, we did have some things we will be working on together. After that talk, I felt even more worn out. I had thoughts of wishing I wasn't needing to do this parenting thing without my husband. I might have had a thought about how it wasn't fair. It wasn't fair he was gone and it wasn't fair I was doing everything on my own. It didn't seem fair that I didn't even have the energy to associate with others.

I spoke with my dad for a few minutes about finances too. That's hard for me. I don't like thinking about the necessary evil that is money. Maybe I wouldn't mind it if I actually had it. He's been helping with some things and reminded me of an offer to help with another piece of my kids' lives. I get discouraged and feel like a disappointment at times when I think of how I grew up and what my financial scenario is now. I don't know how I fell so far. I can't seem to get back up either. I watch the opportunities that my kids' cousins have and I know my kids will never have those things. Things that will help them to get further ahead quicker. Things that will make it so they won't struggle their whole lives just to make sure physical needs are met. We want more for our kids than that. I can't offer that to them. There are things that I would enjoy too. But, those things don't feel as important as enriching my children's lives.

We stayed around for a bit more and finally headed home. I made sure food was put away and then headed for bed. By that time, my kids were telling me to go to bed. Was I being grouchy? Was I not making sense? Was I dragging so much that they thought I wouldn't make it up the stairs to my room? I don't know. I just know I was tired and it didn't take me long to head into dreamland.

Single Parent Day

I'm having a single parent day. It just feels like several things have happened to remind me that it's hard to be everything, do everything, and cover all topics when you're a single parent. I even mentioned something to my kids today about how I'm not able to manage everything on my own and that I'm trying. I know there are privileges and opportunities that I can't give them. But, at the same time, I'm doing what I can to make things work. I am far from perfect - our lives are far from perfect. I feel bad that I'm not able to give my kids more. They deserve more. They need more. I wish I could give it to them. I just can't give what I don't have. There are things we'd still be in the habit of doing if Layne were still here. There are more things we'd be able to do and have if he were here. I appreciate the help we receive...very much, in fact. It's just that I'm not able to give the kids everything they need - in more than just material ways. Okay. So, realistically the kids have their physical needs met and no one is being abused or neglected. I guess that's a good place to start. The kids know they are loved - even though there are moments they act like they don't believe me. They are grateful for the material items they do have. They know there are not funds for more and they are brave and act as if that's just fine. Sometimes I think they don't know what they're missing out on. Well, until they look at their cousins - and then they figure out that something is different. I use them as an example because most of the kids my kids know are in similar situations. Basic needs are met - but, there's not much more. There are plenty of fabulous and truly happy people that don't own much. I'm just thinking and wishing that I had a way to give my kids more opportunities.

So Big, So Small

Listened to this song and cried. It's about a young boy and his mom. Mostly, it's about the result of Dad leaving. I know the context is different - but, I couldn't help thinking about when Layne was taken away by the people from the morgue. And, how it feels to be a single parent. I am all my kids have now. That's hard. The house felt big and I felt small. I think that's a correct assessment.

This is from the musical, 'Dear Even Hansen'.

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