No Longer Date Night

I spent a little time shedding some tears tonight. I felt both lonely and alone. I'm not sure how to define or explain that...somehow I really was feeling two different things. I felt very much like I had no one to turn to and like I were all by myself at the same time. I know those sound so similar that I might as well consider them the same thing. At the same time...they didn't feel like the same thing.  The kids were home doing their thing. So, a person would think that I wouldn't feel either alone or lonely with 4+ teens in the house. (A friend was here for a bit.) I allowed myself to acknowledge that there are times a widow is going to feel lonely. I'm used to Friday being date night. And, here I am feeling alone at home. I didn't tell my kids. They came into my room and talked with me a couple of times. I just wasn't feeling it somehow. They all had their own topics to discuss. That's what they think I'm here for...to talk with them anytime about anything. I mostly love that. (I love the part about them feeling comfortable sharing with me.) It's a little harder when I'm feeling alone and almost as if I want to be left alone. I needed time to process what I was feeling and why. There were a couple of moments during my tears when I thought about action I needed to take to not feel alone. I asked myself about ways I could make friends and what I could be doing with those that I already know...both family and friends. It was odd to feel so lonely that I felt a little helpless. I'm not used to feeling that way. I'm grateful that for the most part - I feel like life is relatively good. I feel very blessed. It's just that realistically...I don't have a someone. That can feel lonely after experiencing and being used to having 'a person' in your daily life for years.

A Hand To Hold

It would be nice to have someone to hold hands with...
I thought of this when I was in the temple with some others that have been widowed. It came to me that it would be nice to have someone to sit next to and hold hands with...someone I didn't have to worry about personal space with...
I also thought of it while I was in a movie with the kids. I love doing things with the kids - but, I also miss sitting next to someone that I can hold hands with while watching the movie...maybe even someone to lean against.
I also thought of it while I was in church...sitting in Sacrament Meeting...the thought came to me that it would be great to have someone there with me.
I realize there are other times to hold hands and other things that married couples do...these are just times it struck me that it would be nice to have a hand to hold.
It's interesting to think that awhile ago - I might have had something like this pop into my head and I would think of it in specific terms of missing those things with Layne. The last little while it was more of just thinking it would be nice to have someone next to me and holding my hand...as if everything was going to be alright...as if there was someone that wanted to be near me. Life can occasionally feel a little lonely.