Solo Parenting

Jacob will be leaving on his mission this Wednesday. I'm excited for him and his new adventures. We will miss him. We're still trying to take care of all the last minute things. I don't look forward to saying good bye when the time comes...and it will.
I've been a little stressed about all the preparations the last couple of days. The other morning I woke up early. I was attempting to get back to sleep. I had a thought come to me about Layne and how great it would be to have him here to help Jacob get ready...to be here for me as well. We could do this together. I feel like I'm dealing with all of the preparations and all of the emotions that come with sending a child out into the world by myself. Reality is - I am doing that. I don't just feel like I am. I know there are other single parents that send their kids on a mission. It just feels like one of those times when it's obvious a parent is missing.

No Longer Date Night

I spent a little time shedding some tears tonight. I felt both lonely and alone. I'm not sure how to define or explain that...somehow I really was feeling two different things. I felt very much like I had no one to turn to and like I were all by myself at the same time. I know those sound so similar that I might as well consider them the same thing. At the same time...they didn't feel like the same thing.  The kids were home doing their thing. So, a person would think that I wouldn't feel either alone or lonely with 4+ teens in the house. (A friend was here for a bit.) I allowed myself to acknowledge that there are times a widow is going to feel lonely. I'm used to Friday being date night. And, here I am feeling alone at home. I didn't tell my kids. They came into my room and talked with me a couple of times. I just wasn't feeling it somehow. They all had their own topics to discuss. That's what they think I'm here for...to talk with them anytime about anything. I mostly love that. (I love the part about them feeling comfortable sharing with me.) It's a little harder when I'm feeling alone and almost as if I want to be left alone. I needed time to process what I was feeling and why. There were a couple of moments during my tears when I thought about action I needed to take to not feel alone. I asked myself about ways I could make friends and what I could be doing with those that I already know...both family and friends. It was odd to feel so lonely that I felt a little helpless. I'm not used to feeling that way. I'm grateful that for the most part - I feel like life is relatively good. I feel very blessed. It's just that realistically...I don't have a someone. That can feel lonely after experiencing and being used to having 'a person' in your daily life for years.

How Can I Help The Most?

Now I have to process what I felt so good about at the temple. That seems to be the way it works for me. I will have an answer or idea come and I feel really good about it when I'm having the experience. I feel great and commit. And then...well, and then reality hits. I leave the temple and I have the opportunity to figure out how I can incorporate whatever it is into my life. So with this one...

I obviously can't see into the future. I don't know what it would be like if I were to remarry or stay single. I can't exactly live both for a couple of decades and then decide and start over.:} I have no way of knowing which of those things will help me influence the most people.

So...here's my solution.
I decided that I just need to focus on being the best person I can be. I will commit to doing what needs to be done to progress everyday. I will do what it takes to be in tune to what I need to do and strive to follow the inspiration and promptings. 

It's possible that Heavenly Father was just trying to tell me to ignore the getting remarried idea because it seems like so much effort. I hadn't realized I was doing that. There are multiple factors at play - so, that's not really the whole thing. But, it may have been a thing for me. It will no longer be a thing. I won't be being proactive about it any time soon. I just don't want to ignore the option if it's presents itself. 

This has also truly helped me put more focus on living my life with the help of divine inspiration. I know that when I do that life will be even better. It might push me more in some ways that might be hard. But, with the help of the Godhead...I can do hard things. The best part is that as I follow where I'm lead - life will be even better for me. I also know I will be able to help others better and live a more joyful life that way.

Single Parent Day

I'm having a single parent day. It just feels like several things have happened to remind me that it's hard to be everything, do everything, and cover all topics when you're a single parent. I even mentioned something to my kids today about how I'm not able to manage everything on my own and that I'm trying. I know there are privileges and opportunities that I can't give them. But, at the same time, I'm doing what I can to make things work. I am far from perfect - our lives are far from perfect. I feel bad that I'm not able to give my kids more. They deserve more. They need more. I wish I could give it to them. I just can't give what I don't have. There are things we'd still be in the habit of doing if Layne were still here. There are more things we'd be able to do and have if he were here. I appreciate the help we receive...very much, in fact. It's just that I'm not able to give the kids everything they need - in more than just material ways. Okay. So, realistically the kids have their physical needs met and no one is being abused or neglected. I guess that's a good place to start. The kids know they are loved - even though there are moments they act like they don't believe me. They are grateful for the material items they do have. They know there are not funds for more and they are brave and act as if that's just fine. Sometimes I think they don't know what they're missing out on. Well, until they look at their cousins - and then they figure out that something is different. I use them as an example because most of the kids my kids know are in similar situations. Basic needs are met - but, there's not much more. There are plenty of fabulous and truly happy people that don't own much. I'm just thinking and wishing that I had a way to give my kids more opportunities.