Loved

I went to the temple today. I was praying about the kids...hoping for some direction on how to best help them. I started to pray and immediately heard, "Layne loves you. He loves the kids.". I'm pretty sure that's when the water works started. Sort of...I attempted to not be too out of control.:} There are just some moments that make a difference. I was so very grateful for the message. I already knew that. At the same time, things have been a little different lately. When Layne first died there were times I felt him near. There were times I knew he was helping with different things. I just knew it was him. That doesn't happen very much anymore...if there are times he's jumping in to help...I haven't caught on that's it's him.
Another thing I've been thinking about lately is that I'm having a hard time remembering what it's like to have Layne around. I've forgotten what it's like to sit by him and talk with him. I've forgotten what it's like when he held me or kissed me. I've forgotten what it's like to automatically think of myself as part of a couple. All of those kinds of things...they're not there anymore. I'm somehow past being able to imagine what all of that feels like. I didn't think I would ever get to that point. I miss him. It feels like there's some contradiction there. There are things that remind me of him on a daily basis...yet, remembering what it's like to be with him just isn't there anymore. Maybe it's a mind and heart thing. My brain remembers him. My heart knows there's a guy that used to reside there...but, the feelings themselves are hard to resurrect. I don't want to sound callous. I love him, I miss him, I still think he's amazing and I love many things about him. I wish he were here. Maybe I'm just realizing that I don't know what it's like to have a husband anymore. Although, I don't know if that makes sense either because I know what it's like to be married and have a husband. Maybe it's just the logistics I remember. Ugh. This is one of those times I wish I were more articulate...that I knew a way to explain exactly what I mean. Perhaps as I process more it'll come together a bit better.