Married or Single

In the temple today I was asked if I wanted to do some sealings. I declined as I didn't have much time. I also haven't done sealings since Layne passed away. I know I should work on that...but, I just haven't. Being asked that question reminded me of the last time Layne and I were across the alter from each other. It was in Nauvoo during a reunion that my family had there just months before Layne died. I savored the memory. I was then back to the present where I have been processing the idea of remarrying or staying single. When Layne first died I had no intention of ever finding anyone else. I felt like I was already married. I remember someone had mentioned it to me just a couple of months after his passing and I might have had a tiny melt down. My Dad responded for me. I was there - but, he could tell I wasn't able to speak. At the time, I was a little horrified that someone would even mention it.
Fast forward to the present. I have since had conversations with others about their ideas on getting remarried. I feel more comfortable socializing with others and getting out of my comfort zone. Today in the temple it hit me that I just want to do what will work best. It's all about how I will be able to live my life's purpose and help people along the way (which I feel is part of my life's mission). If I will be able to be part of a stronger force in helping others if I get remarried...then, bring it on. If I will be able to reach more people being single...let's get the ball rolling. I guess at this point I need to figure out what that will be. Either way, I have some work to do.:}

More Than Furniture

I've been trying to get things updated in the house. They have been needed for awhile. I'll be grateful when everything is done. I'm aware that with a house and yard there will always be something to do. I'm making that statement specifically about the list of current projects. I'm thankful that the last little while I've been able to think more clearly and make decisions a little better. I think most of the widow's fog is gone - maybe. It might be a little like when I was pregnant and the kids were little - people would joke about losing brain cells with every pregnancy. Maybe there's something similar when it comes to being a widow.
I really starting writing this because yesterday I received an email from the service missionaries in our ward. Well, they're not members of our ward - they're serving in our ward - helping with some of the temporal and fellowshipping needs that are in our ward. They reached out asking if there was furniture I could use. I told them yes and it was delivered last night. There was a desk/chair and a chest of drawers. I thought to put them in my room. Although, when the girls saw the desk and sat in the chair...they got excited about having those things in their room. I actually like the idea - so, we're going to go with it. They are thrilled to have somewhere to sit besides their beds or the floor. One of the current projects is to update my bedroom a little bit. It's more of a purge, paint, move the furniture, and get new blinds kind of project. The only money spent was going to be paint and the blinds. I felt as if someone was telling me that it's okay to have something new (to me) in my room as well. That it was okay to have a chest of drawers that was something different than what we picked up pre-estate sale from one of Layne's coworkers and had used since we first got married. What I have now would still have been able to function. It's just that it'll be nice to have something new - a new look, I guess. For some reason this time it felt like someone was looking out for me...giving me something that I wasn't expecting...just because. I think Layne might have had something to do with it.  At least I like to think so.

To Decide Or Not To Decide

We're redoing our bathrooms. I just picked out tile for the hall bathroom floor. It took me awhile. I sure wish Layne were there to help me out. It wouldn't have taken so long to decide. He was always better at all of that than I was. I hope what I finally chose will actually work. It seems like there are so many decisions to make. There are schedules to coordinate. It's getting done - but, I don't feel like I'm doing a very good job of it all. At least it's finally happening - so, that's good. 

Layne was good at deciding and not worrying too much about whether it was the right decision or not. It would have been great to have someone else there to bring up other ideas and factors. I don't really like making decisions on my own...well, mostly. There are sometimes it's not a big deal. 

The other cool thing about having Layne around is that he could do the heavy lifting. Seriously, it would have been fabulous to have his healthy self there to heft the boxes of tile. I struggled a bit.

Remembering and Forgetting

I saw this picture from years ago just yesterday. I realized that I don't remember what it's like to have Layne's arms around me. I was thinking just last week - while in my 'being ill for days' nightmare - that I don't remember what it feels like to have him kiss me. I don't remember the typical physical closeness that happens in a marriage. I remember those things with Layne. I just don't remember what it's like anymore. I don't remember what it feels like to casually sit and hold someone's hand...or what it's like to fall asleep with someone laying next to me in bed. It all seems so long ago and a little foreign now. I'm not sure what to think about it. I can't think about it too much or I will likely start to cry a little. Likely...as if that's not what I'm doing right now. Just writing this was thinking about it for too long I guess. My thoughts of Layne and a former life have to be brief snippets or I miss it and him. And, that doesn't feel good. Time to move on with my day.

South Carolina Reunion
Summer 2010

Marking Time

Missing Layne this Christmas. It's the second one we've spent without him. It just feels different. Today marks fifteen months since the day he passed away. A few tears have found their way to the surface on this winter day. I don't know if it's because of the amount of time marked...or the Christmas season. But, today seems to be when I'm feeling it this year - at least so far - not sure what the next few days will bring. I'm hoping I'll be able to focus on loved ones that are here. It also brings me hope to know that I can focus on the Savior and that He is the reason I know I'll be able to see Layne again. I'm looking forward to the day of our reunion.