Solo Parenting

I've been thinking about solo parenting since yesterday was Mother's Day. There are times I wish Layne was still here. I liked it better when he was here to take care of some of the responsibilities. Life was easier. But, I guess that's not the point of this life. It works so much better when a team is working together than just having one person doing it all. I'm still able to find joy in my experiences. I think my biggest thing (besides missing him) is doing it all on my own. And when I say all...I mean all. I'm not just referring to the specifics of being a parent. Although, that certainly feels like enough in itself.

Overwhelm

This morning I was thinking about overwhelm. I have spent most of my life in the overwhelm mode when it comes to getting things done. I wonder why when Heavenly Father knows this - he still let life happen. Layne is gone and two things have happened. The first is that the guy that picked up all my slack is no longer here. The other thing is that I now have more to do. The stewardship we shared together are now mine...along with all of the things that I was in charge of for myself. So, I have more to do and less help. I feel like I'm in overwhelm even more than I have ever been. I miss him. Obviously, I miss that my husband isn't here. In addition to that - I miss the guy that helped with getting things done. It's been 3.5 years and I still don't know how to get everything done.

There must be a reason. I just don't know what that is yet. I know my heavenly parents wouldn't just leave me stranded. Maybe they decided I needed to make it on my own or I wouldn't be able to learn how to not feel the overwhelm. I just feel at a loss as to how to make it work. I don't know what I'm doing. I have been working on this issue for as long as I have been old enough to realize it was a concern.

Solo Parenting

Jacob will be leaving on his mission this Wednesday. I'm excited for him and his new adventures. We will miss him. We're still trying to take care of all the last minute things. I don't look forward to saying good bye when the time comes...and it will.
I've been a little stressed about all the preparations the last couple of days. The other morning I woke up early. I was attempting to get back to sleep. I had a thought come to me about Layne and how great it would be to have him here to help Jacob get ready...to be here for me as well. We could do this together. I feel like I'm dealing with all of the preparations and all of the emotions that come with sending a child out into the world by myself. Reality is - I am doing that. I don't just feel like I am. I know there are other single parents that send their kids on a mission. It just feels like one of those times when it's obvious a parent is missing.

Yesterday

Yesterday, I started my day missing Layne. It might not be a good sign when you start the day crying. The day moved forward - hurrying while all five of us used the same bathroom to get ready and then we were off to church. While there I was able to feel the spirit and receive some inspiration from message/lessons/thoughts that were shared. I spoke with several others...getting the update on what was going on with them and with one in particular...how I could help. I had questions answered about upcoming events. After church, I was able to meet with someone from both the Bishopric and Stake Presidency in order to renew my temple recommend. That's not usually a thing. I'm grateful they took the time for me. It felt like my own little miracle.

Once we were home, we took a breather and then I had the kids get the veggie tray items together to share at a family event we were heading to that evening. We drove to my folks house and were able to witness my newest nephew, James, given a name and a blessing. He's the first child of my sister Nicole and her husband Danny. Memorable experience. 

While we were there I had a chance to meet a few people that were new to me and visit with those that I already know and love. There was a time when I suddenly hit a wall and the words, "I'm exhausted.", came to mind. After that, I felt as if I was just observing the conversations of others...wanting to be someone that was engaged in chatting with others and strengthening relationships. I guess that takes energy. I attempted conversation a couple of times...didn't quite work. 

I was also discouraged a little. One of my kids acted on emotion and did something that they knew they shouldn't have done and yet didn't quite see what the other options might be. We had a long talk. In the end - not sure anything was changed - but, we did have some things we will be working on together. After that talk, I felt even more worn out. I had thoughts of wishing I wasn't needing to do this parenting thing without my husband. I might have had a thought about how it wasn't fair. It wasn't fair he was gone and it wasn't fair I was doing everything on my own. It didn't seem fair that I didn't even have the energy to associate with others.

I spoke with my dad for a few minutes about finances too. That's hard for me. I don't like thinking about the necessary evil that is money. Maybe I wouldn't mind it if I actually had it. He's been helping with some things and reminded me of an offer to help with another piece of my kids' lives. I get discouraged and feel like a disappointment at times when I think of how I grew up and what my financial scenario is now. I don't know how I fell so far. I can't seem to get back up either. I watch the opportunities that my kids' cousins have and I know my kids will never have those things. Things that will help them to get further ahead quicker. Things that will make it so they won't struggle their whole lives just to make sure physical needs are met. We want more for our kids than that. I can't offer that to them. There are things that I would enjoy too. But, those things don't feel as important as enriching my children's lives.

We stayed around for a bit more and finally headed home. I made sure food was put away and then headed for bed. By that time, my kids were telling me to go to bed. Was I being grouchy? Was I not making sense? Was I dragging so much that they thought I wouldn't make it up the stairs to my room? I don't know. I just know I was tired and it didn't take me long to head into dreamland.