No Longer Date Night

I spent a little time shedding some tears tonight. I felt both lonely and alone. I'm not sure how to define or explain that...somehow I really was feeling two different things. I felt very much like I had no one to turn to and like I were all by myself at the same time. I know those sound so similar that I might as well consider them the same thing. At the same time...they didn't feel like the same thing.  The kids were home doing their thing. So, a person would think that I wouldn't feel either alone or lonely with 4+ teens in the house. (A friend was here for a bit.) I allowed myself to acknowledge that there are times a widow is going to feel lonely. I'm used to Friday being date night. And, here I am feeling alone at home. I didn't tell my kids. They came into my room and talked with me a couple of times. I just wasn't feeling it somehow. They all had their own topics to discuss. That's what they think I'm here for...to talk with them anytime about anything. I mostly love that. (I love the part about them feeling comfortable sharing with me.) It's a little harder when I'm feeling alone and almost as if I want to be left alone. I needed time to process what I was feeling and why. There were a couple of moments during my tears when I thought about action I needed to take to not feel alone. I asked myself about ways I could make friends and what I could be doing with those that I already know...both family and friends. It was odd to feel so lonely that I felt a little helpless. I'm not used to feeling that way. I'm grateful that for the most part - I feel like life is relatively good. I feel very blessed. It's just that realistically...I don't have a someone. That can feel lonely after experiencing and being used to having 'a person' in your daily life for years.

Managing Alone

I realized this past week that I am getting used to not having Layne around. I don't consider getting his thoughts on a decision being made. There are times I wish he were here. I miss him. At the same time life continues to move forward...or at the very least time marches forward. The general idea that I was thinking about was that when it comes to logistics - I'm getting used to managing them on my own. I'm getting used to going places by myself. I'm getting used to being the one to make the decisions and take action on them. I'm not going to profess that I do a very good job. I just know that I do the job without Layne here. There are times when I know he's helping. The kids have mostly adjusted to him being gone. We all still remember and talk about him whenever the topic happens to come up. We've just created schedules around the fact that he's not here to join us. I liked it better when he was here to help with decisions. I don't feel like that's my strong point in the first place. C'est la vie.

Social Media Reminders

I occasionally have a hard time when I see others posting (on social media) about their significant others. I understand wanting to share that it's your anniversary, or their birthday, or that they helped you out in a huge way. Most of the time...I'm fine. I'm happy for them and grateful they have positive things to share. I'm even thankful friends and family have someone amazing in their lives. It's just that some days...it's hard. Sometimes I feel a little jealous. (Maybe. It might be another word I'm needing.) Or maybe it's a reminder that my husband isn't here. It might trigger a memory of a time that Layne was a huge help. Or at times it makes me think about how I'm on my own. It's just another reminder that I'm single and don't have someone to celebrate with, for, or because of...