Solo Parenting

I've been thinking about solo parenting since yesterday was Mother's Day. There are times I wish Layne was still here. I liked it better when he was here to take care of some of the responsibilities. Life was easier. But, I guess that's not the point of this life. It works so much better when a team is working together than just having one person doing it all. I'm still able to find joy in my experiences. I think my biggest thing (besides missing him) is doing it all on my own. And when I say all...I mean all. I'm not just referring to the specifics of being a parent. Although, that certainly feels like enough in itself.

No Longer Date Night

I spent a little time shedding some tears tonight. I felt both lonely and alone. I'm not sure how to define or explain that...somehow I really was feeling two different things. I felt very much like I had no one to turn to and like I were all by myself at the same time. I know those sound so similar that I might as well consider them the same thing. At the same time...they didn't feel like the same thing.  The kids were home doing their thing. So, a person would think that I wouldn't feel either alone or lonely with 4+ teens in the house. (A friend was here for a bit.) I allowed myself to acknowledge that there are times a widow is going to feel lonely. I'm used to Friday being date night. And, here I am feeling alone at home. I didn't tell my kids. They came into my room and talked with me a couple of times. I just wasn't feeling it somehow. They all had their own topics to discuss. That's what they think I'm here for...to talk with them anytime about anything. I mostly love that. (I love the part about them feeling comfortable sharing with me.) It's a little harder when I'm feeling alone and almost as if I want to be left alone. I needed time to process what I was feeling and why. There were a couple of moments during my tears when I thought about action I needed to take to not feel alone. I asked myself about ways I could make friends and what I could be doing with those that I already know...both family and friends. It was odd to feel so lonely that I felt a little helpless. I'm not used to feeling that way. I'm grateful that for the most part - I feel like life is relatively good. I feel very blessed. It's just that realistically...I don't have a someone. That can feel lonely after experiencing and being used to having 'a person' in your daily life for years.

Loved

I went to the temple today. I was praying about the kids...hoping for some direction on how to best help them. I started to pray and immediately heard, "Layne loves you. He loves the kids.". I'm pretty sure that's when the water works started. Sort of...I attempted to not be too out of control.:} There are just some moments that make a difference. I was so very grateful for the message. I already knew that. At the same time, things have been a little different lately. When Layne first died there were times I felt him near. There were times I knew he was helping with different things. I just knew it was him. That doesn't happen very much anymore...if there are times he's jumping in to help...I haven't caught on that's it's him.
Another thing I've been thinking about lately is that I'm having a hard time remembering what it's like to have Layne around. I've forgotten what it's like to sit by him and talk with him. I've forgotten what it's like when he held me or kissed me. I've forgotten what it's like to automatically think of myself as part of a couple. All of those kinds of things...they're not there anymore. I'm somehow past being able to imagine what all of that feels like. I didn't think I would ever get to that point. I miss him. It feels like there's some contradiction there. There are things that remind me of him on a daily basis...yet, remembering what it's like to be with him just isn't there anymore. Maybe it's a mind and heart thing. My brain remembers him. My heart knows there's a guy that used to reside there...but, the feelings themselves are hard to resurrect. I don't want to sound callous. I love him, I miss him, I still think he's amazing and I love many things about him. I wish he were here. Maybe I'm just realizing that I don't know what it's like to have a husband anymore. Although, I don't know if that makes sense either because I know what it's like to be married and have a husband. Maybe it's just the logistics I remember. Ugh. This is one of those times I wish I were more articulate...that I knew a way to explain exactly what I mean. Perhaps as I process more it'll come together a bit better.

Random Acts Nomination

I was watching Random Acts with the girls. I asked them who they would nominate. Their immediate reaction was to say, "Umm, you.". It wasn't said like they had to think about it. It was decisive and almost as if they were saying, "well, duh.". It was as if I should have known what they would say. They said they would nominate me because of all the stuff I'm doing all by myself. One of them even said I was raising two kids by myself. What? I have four children. They all live in this house. They all have needs. I didn't understand that one. I guess child number three thinks that the older siblings are already grown up. Whatever.

Marking Time

Two days ago marked Layne being gone for two and a half years. It seems odd to think it's been that long. I'm not sure what I've actually accomplished since then.:} I'm sure there's something. I don't like being alone - but, I'm getting used to it. The kids and I like to think we have routines that keep us afloat. I'm grateful we've been able to manage sticking together. My experience would be so much different if the kids were out of the house. That will come in time, I'm sure. I'm not sure what the next two and a half years will bring. I guess we'll just take it one day at a time.

Managing Alone

I realized this past week that I am getting used to not having Layne around. I don't consider getting his thoughts on a decision being made. There are times I wish he were here. I miss him. At the same time life continues to move forward...or at the very least time marches forward. The general idea that I was thinking about was that when it comes to logistics - I'm getting used to managing them on my own. I'm getting used to going places by myself. I'm getting used to being the one to make the decisions and take action on them. I'm not going to profess that I do a very good job. I just know that I do the job without Layne here. There are times when I know he's helping. The kids have mostly adjusted to him being gone. We all still remember and talk about him whenever the topic happens to come up. We've just created schedules around the fact that he's not here to join us. I liked it better when he was here to help with decisions. I don't feel like that's my strong point in the first place. C'est la vie.

So Big, So Small

Listened to this song and cried. It's about a young boy and his mom. Mostly, it's about the result of Dad leaving. I know the context is different - but, I couldn't help thinking about when Layne was taken away by the people from the morgue. And, how it feels to be a single parent. I am all my kids have now. That's hard. The house felt big and I felt small. I think that's a correct assessment.

This is from the musical, 'Dear Even Hansen'.

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