Remembering With Music

This morning I heard a song that made me think of Layne. I wish he was still around. I'm not even sure what that would look like at this point. I have forgotten what it's like to have Layne be a part of my daily life. I was grateful for the song. It was a reminder of some of the happy things about our lives. I'm thankful music helps me to understand and feel. It seemed Layne wasn't very far away when I was listening to the song. I know he wants to help. I haven't really felt him around much lately. Well, for the past couple of years it seems. In general, he seemed to be there at first and then he  didn't. Maybe today was his way of letting me know he's still around - I just need to be more aware.

Remembering and Forgetting

I saw this picture from years ago just yesterday. I realized that I don't remember what it's like to have Layne's arms around me. I was thinking just last week - while in my 'being ill for days' nightmare - that I don't remember what it feels like to have him kiss me. I don't remember the typical physical closeness that happens in a marriage. I remember those things with Layne. I just don't remember what it's like anymore. I don't remember what it feels like to casually sit and hold someone's hand...or what it's like to fall asleep with someone laying next to me in bed. It all seems so long ago and a little foreign now. I'm not sure what to think about it. I can't think about it too much or I will likely start to cry a little. Likely...as if that's not what I'm doing right now. Just writing this was thinking about it for too long I guess. My thoughts of Layne and a former life have to be brief snippets or I miss it and him. And, that doesn't feel good. Time to move on with my day.

South Carolina Reunion
Summer 2010