Bathroom Progress

I've gotten things started on my bathroom. This week the tear out has happened along with the rough for the plumber. Tomorrow drywall will be going up for the part of the bathroom that is not part of the shower. I'm looking forward to the finished product and hope it doesn't take as long as the hall bathroom did. I have the tile for the shower and still need to figure out the shower door and floor tile. I also need to get going on the paint for the bathroom and my bedroom. I'm hopeful for the day when it will all come together.
I feel like this is not something I would have done without Layne. In fact, this is something that I might have had Layne do most of when he was still around. This time it's all me. I've been learning a few things and I'm better at it than I was when I first started getting things organized to and put together to make all of it happen. I've been in charge of several home projects this past year and I'm starting to get the hang of it.

First Snow

Today is our first snow fall of the year. My youngest, who is twelve, came into my room to tell me about it. She was thrilled. I was looking through the window later thinking about how it was the first snow of the year and all of the sudden realized something. I never pruned the rose bushes in back. Hmm...too late now.
It seems like that's how things seem to go around here. There's quite often something that hasn't been done quite yet. There's always something else to do. I guess it's really that the tasks are never ending. This is the life of one that is doing the solo parenting thing.

Solo Parenting

Jacob will be leaving on his mission this Wednesday. I'm excited for him and his new adventures. We will miss him. We're still trying to take care of all the last minute things. I don't look forward to saying good bye when the time comes...and it will.
I've been a little stressed about all the preparations the last couple of days. The other morning I woke up early. I was attempting to get back to sleep. I had a thought come to me about Layne and how great it would be to have him here to help Jacob get ready...to be here for me as well. We could do this together. I feel like I'm dealing with all of the preparations and all of the emotions that come with sending a child out into the world by myself. Reality is - I am doing that. I don't just feel like I am. I know there are other single parents that send their kids on a mission. It just feels like one of those times when it's obvious a parent is missing.

No Longer Date Night

I spent a little time shedding some tears tonight. I felt both lonely and alone. I'm not sure how to define or explain that...somehow I really was feeling two different things. I felt very much like I had no one to turn to and like I were all by myself at the same time. I know those sound so similar that I might as well consider them the same thing. At the same time...they didn't feel like the same thing.  The kids were home doing their thing. So, a person would think that I wouldn't feel either alone or lonely with 4+ teens in the house. (A friend was here for a bit.) I allowed myself to acknowledge that there are times a widow is going to feel lonely. I'm used to Friday being date night. And, here I am feeling alone at home. I didn't tell my kids. They came into my room and talked with me a couple of times. I just wasn't feeling it somehow. They all had their own topics to discuss. That's what they think I'm here for...to talk with them anytime about anything. I mostly love that. (I love the part about them feeling comfortable sharing with me.) It's a little harder when I'm feeling alone and almost as if I want to be left alone. I needed time to process what I was feeling and why. There were a couple of moments during my tears when I thought about action I needed to take to not feel alone. I asked myself about ways I could make friends and what I could be doing with those that I already know...both family and friends. It was odd to feel so lonely that I felt a little helpless. I'm not used to feeling that way. I'm grateful that for the most part - I feel like life is relatively good. I feel very blessed. It's just that realistically...I don't have a someone. That can feel lonely after experiencing and being used to having 'a person' in your daily life for years.

Sprinkler Key

I went to turn on the outside water today. (I know. It's July. It should have already been done. No judging.) The sprinkler key is metal and almost as tall as I am. The knob it needs to connect with is a couple of feet under ground...at least. It's always been tricky. I have never turned the knob myself. I have watched Layne do it and I have watched my oldest son be successful with it. Each time it takes multiple tries. The knob is at an odd angle and it's difficult to know where it is...even with a flashlight. I tried several times - thought maybe I had it and then attempted to turn on the sprinklers. Nope. Didn't work. I went to try again. I truly want to be able to do this by myself. It's probable that the two strongest people in this household will have moved out before another year rolls around. It's a task that needs to be done annually (twice actually...because 'someone' has to turn it off in the fall). I feel like I need to make sure I know what I'm doing and am able to accomplish the task on my own. I finally decided to get a flashlight. If I could just know I was connecting with the gold object down there it would be great.🙂 It's such a science.😉 I tried a few more times. I continued to use the flashlight to guide me. I thought about the light of Christ and how it can truly help us in our lives. I thought of the Holy Ghost and using that influence as a guide. After doing what I could and not having any success...I turned my thoughts to how sometimes we just need to ask for help. I wasn't able to keep the key on the knob long enough to get the torque I needed. I have watched someone stronger than me be able to succeed...eventually...with this task. Obviously because the task isn't finished yet...to be continued...

A Hand To Hold

It would be nice to have someone to hold hands with...
I thought of this when I was in the temple with some others that have been widowed. It came to me that it would be nice to have someone to sit next to and hold hands with...someone I didn't have to worry about personal space with...
I also thought of it while I was in a movie with the kids. I love doing things with the kids - but, I also miss sitting next to someone that I can hold hands with while watching the movie...maybe even someone to lean against.
I also thought of it while I was in church...sitting in Sacrament Meeting...the thought came to me that it would be great to have someone there with me.
I realize there are other times to hold hands and other things that married couples do...these are just times it struck me that it would be nice to have a hand to hold.
It's interesting to think that awhile ago - I might have had something like this pop into my head and I would think of it in specific terms of missing those things with Layne. The last little while it was more of just thinking it would be nice to have someone next to me and holding my hand...as if everything was going to be alright...as if there was someone that wanted to be near me. Life can occasionally feel a little lonely.

How Can I Help The Most?

Now I have to process what I felt so good about at the temple. That seems to be the way it works for me. I will have an answer or idea come and I feel really good about it when I'm having the experience. I feel great and commit. And then...well, and then reality hits. I leave the temple and I have the opportunity to figure out how I can incorporate whatever it is into my life. So with this one...

I obviously can't see into the future. I don't know what it would be like if I were to remarry or stay single. I can't exactly live both for a couple of decades and then decide and start over.:} I have no way of knowing which of those things will help me influence the most people.

So...here's my solution.
I decided that I just need to focus on being the best person I can be. I will commit to doing what needs to be done to progress everyday. I will do what it takes to be in tune to what I need to do and strive to follow the inspiration and promptings. 

It's possible that Heavenly Father was just trying to tell me to ignore the getting remarried idea because it seems like so much effort. I hadn't realized I was doing that. There are multiple factors at play - so, that's not really the whole thing. But, it may have been a thing for me. It will no longer be a thing. I won't be being proactive about it any time soon. I just don't want to ignore the option if it's presents itself. 

This has also truly helped me put more focus on living my life with the help of divine inspiration. I know that when I do that life will be even better. It might push me more in some ways that might be hard. But, with the help of the Godhead...I can do hard things. The best part is that as I follow where I'm lead - life will be even better for me. I also know I will be able to help others better and live a more joyful life that way.