Spirit World

I read something today that reminded me of this idea. I'm not sure I ever wrote it down. It came to mind awhile ago.
I have heard some people that have lost their spouses comment about how when they see their spouse again - they're going to give them a big hug and kiss in greeting. Sounds great. I'm looking forward to seeing Layne again too. Here's the thing. What about the fact that it's the spirit world? Won't we both be spirits at that point? If we don't have bodies - it's going to be difficult to have physical contact. I'm not sure how that's going to work. I just know that there needs to be something to be able to feel connected. Something that makes one feel close to someone they love.
That is all.

Heirlooms

Our family went to a concert tonight. One of the songs sung was Heirlooms. The first verse got to me a little bit. I had a couple of tears appear. It's about looking through memorable items and thinking of family. And, how some of the family isn't there anymore. The verse started and I immediately thought of Layne. All of the memories not just around the holidays - but, with everything else we did too. I guess just another way the holidays remind us of loved ones. It's also another way music has impacted me.

Growing Pains

I just dropped Megan off at volleyball. I was driving out of the parking lot and saw what looked like a family heading toward the gym. The teen girl was joking around with her dad and he put his arm around her. I had the thought: Megan doesn't have a dad to do that with...
I had tears come to my eyes. It hurts sometimes to know that my kids are growing up without a dad. They will go throughout their adult lives - without a dad. Rachel was just nine when he died. I realized as I drove home that I need to do more to help the kids remember their dad. Another thing to work on.:}
It makes it harder to know that Layne would love to be here. He felt a great responsibility in being a father. It was so important to him. I'm sure it still is. It's not like he's all of the sudden not their father anymore. He will always be. He just has to be somewhere else right now. I'm sure he thinks about them and wants the best for them. I would guess he even prays for them. Then there's the whole other topic of whether he thinks I'm doing a good job or not. Ugh. There are so many times I feel like I disappoint him.

Scents

Just yesterday, I was in the locker room at the local rec center and smelled the strong scent of someone else's soap. For some reason, it made me think of what Layne used to use. I realized I'm not really sure what it's like to know the 'smell of Layne' anymore. I don't know if that sounds odd. But, I don't really remember what he smelled like. I remember I always liked snuggling in. I remember he had a hard time with scents - so, he didn't wear cologne and I never wore perfume. I was fine with that. I was never really in the habit anyway. One less thing to think about/purchase. I also remember he would tell me I smelled good or times he would randomly move in close and smell my hair. So, no perfume, just long hair that smelled 'good'. I guess everyone has their thing.
As I was thinking about the scent of things...I also realized that just a week or so before that...I had something else trigger a thought that I don't remember what it feels like to kiss Layne. I don't remember how the physical closeness felt. Hmm...sounds kind of lonely.

Remembering and Forgetting

I saw this picture from years ago just yesterday. I realized that I don't remember what it's like to have Layne's arms around me. I was thinking just last week - while in my 'being ill for days' nightmare - that I don't remember what it feels like to have him kiss me. I don't remember the typical physical closeness that happens in a marriage. I remember those things with Layne. I just don't remember what it's like anymore. I don't remember what it feels like to casually sit and hold someone's hand...or what it's like to fall asleep with someone laying next to me in bed. It all seems so long ago and a little foreign now. I'm not sure what to think about it. I can't think about it too much or I will likely start to cry a little. Likely...as if that's not what I'm doing right now. Just writing this was thinking about it for too long I guess. My thoughts of Layne and a former life have to be brief snippets or I miss it and him. And, that doesn't feel good. Time to move on with my day.

South Carolina Reunion
Summer 2010

Homeward Bound

I was listening to this song earlier and started to think about Layne and returning home to him. It mentions something about finding out calling. I feel like there is something specific I'm still supposed to do while I'm here on earth. I still have yet to figure that out and do it. My hope is to be guided to what I need to do. I feel like it's possible I have already missed some opportunities that may or may not have led me down the path I need to go. I have the thought in my head that I do what I need to do here on earth and then...and only then will I return to see Layne again. I feel like I have a long way to go. I haven't accomplished nearly enough...and, for how old I am...I better get busy.

Homeward Bound, BYU Vocal Point

So Big, So Small

Listened to this song and cried. It's about a young boy and his mom. Mostly, it's about the result of Dad leaving. I know the context is different - but, I couldn't help thinking about when Layne was taken away by the people from the morgue. And, how it feels to be a single parent. I am all my kids have now. That's hard. The house felt big and I felt small. I think that's a correct assessment.

This is from the musical, 'Dear Even Hansen'.

SaveSave

Marking Time

I've been thinking about how to mark the passing time. I might do it like I did when the kids were born. Count the days, then weeks, months, and years. As of the 22nd, it has been 18 months. I'm not counting days or weeks anymore. I think once I get to two years...I'll think of it in years and add the half as appropriate. At some point, I might just say the years just like I do with my kids now. Maybe. Maybe not. We'll see. So many details.

Baby Steps

I'm finding myself at a place where I'm remembering Layne more than I'm missing him. That might sound a little harsh. I'm not saying I don't miss him. I'm saying when I do think about him - I'm at a place where I can think of him fondly...remember good things...all of that - without become a weeping mess. I'm not quite as emotional about it most of the time. I still cry for seemingly no reason and out of the blue - but, more often I'm able to just remember. I think that's a good thing.

For Real This Time

So...I have 100 posts on this blog. Obviously, the majority of them have yet to be edited and published. This will be post number five. I'm one-twentieth of the way there. Yea. Trying to psych myself up. It sounds like lots of work.
Ha. I just noticed that exactly two months ago...I did a similar post with much smaller numbers. Must. Get. Writing.

Not Enough

I might have bawled the first time I watched this video. The song is beautiful. The story gets to me. I still cry at the end...every time. I can relate to the couple. Although, there are times I watch and wish Layne and I had done better with the daily, "I'm thinking of you.", acts of thoughtfulness. There are also times I cry a little more because this couple had longer than we did. Their kids were grown. I know that doesn't make it any easier and it means that this man is now living on his own. There are pros and cons to everything. I guess anytime your spouse dies before you want them to...I can't think of when that doesn't apply. So, maybe I'll just say whenever your spouse dies before you do, you're going to wish they were still there and you miss them. I miss Layne. Our time was not enough. I'm looking forward to seeing him again. Maybe at some point I'll feel like forever is enough.