Remembering With Music

This morning I heard a song that made me think of Layne. I wish he was still around. I'm not even sure what that would look like at this point. I have forgotten what it's like to have Layne be a part of my daily life. I was grateful for the song. It was a reminder of some of the happy things about our lives. I'm thankful music helps me to understand and feel. It seemed Layne wasn't very far away when I was listening to the song. I know he wants to help. I haven't really felt him around much lately. Well, for the past couple of years it seems. In general, he seemed to be there at first and then he  didn't. Maybe today was his way of letting me know he's still around - I just need to be more aware.

Caregiver Voice

I just had an experience where I realized that I have a thing where I will speak up for others that need an advocate. I guess I learned something when I was a caregiver. I have a voice. There are times that voice needs to be used for someone else that isn't able to speak for themselves. I got used to doing that with Layne. Although, he was a little stubborn about letting me do that. He typically felt like he had things covered. There were times I was asked a question directly or times that I needed to throw out an idea that would work better for him.

Walk on Water

A week or so ago I had a thought come to me. It was the thought to walk on water. I had been studying about Christ walking on the water and how Peter followed him. He was asked about his faith when he started to sink and Christ helped him.
When I had the thought it was about how I have hard things that I need to do. I am doing most things on my own. I no longer have a life partner or a parenting teammate. That changes so many factors in my life. The thought of walking on water was a reminder to me that I need to have a great deal of faith to sustain me through all that needs to be done.
It's not about attempting to do amazing things so that others notice and are wowed. It's about knowing where my strength comes from and acknowledging that on a daily basis. It's about working with Christ and not on my own. It's about knowing something will be hard and doing it anyway because I'm relying on my Savior and His grace.
Life changes are hard. Everyone has something that feels big to them. We all have challenges. If you believe in a higher being...depend on that strength. It will give you courage. It will prove to be a strength to you.

Solo Parenting

I've been thinking about solo parenting since yesterday was Mother's Day. There are times I wish Layne was still here. I liked it better when he was here to take care of some of the responsibilities. Life was easier. But, I guess that's not the point of this life. It works so much better when a team is working together than just having one person doing it all. I'm still able to find joy in my experiences. I think my biggest thing (besides missing him) is doing it all on my own. And when I say all...I mean all. I'm not just referring to the specifics of being a parent. Although, that certainly feels like enough in itself.

Widow's Fog Clearing

I've noticed the last little while that I have more energy, I'm more capable of taking action, and decisions are somewhat doable. I think most of the widow's fog has lifted for me. The results are being able to get more done, thinking more clearly, and having a desire to actually be social and try new things. I'm no longer sitting at home trying to muddle through. Well, maybe I'll always feel like I'm muddling through life. That might be common. I'm human just like everyone else.
I'm grateful that I'm able to use my brain a little more. I've been able to learn and apply more things. I've also been able to get a few more things done. I might have already said that. It might be what makes me most excited. I've struggled with productivity all my life and I'm actually making some headway with it. So, that's good news and I'm thrilled. I'm hoping to keep it going.

Overwhelm

This morning I was thinking about overwhelm. I have spent most of my life in the overwhelm mode when it comes to getting things done. I wonder why when Heavenly Father knows this - he still let life happen. Layne is gone and two things have happened. The first is that the guy that picked up all my slack is no longer here. The other thing is that I now have more to do. The stewardship we shared together are now mine...along with all of the things that I was in charge of for myself. So, I have more to do and less help. I feel like I'm in overwhelm even more than I have ever been. I miss him. Obviously, I miss that my husband isn't here. In addition to that - I miss the guy that helped with getting things done. It's been 3.5 years and I still don't know how to get everything done.

There must be a reason. I just don't know what that is yet. I know my heavenly parents wouldn't just leave me stranded. Maybe they decided I needed to make it on my own or I wouldn't be able to learn how to not feel the overwhelm. I just feel at a loss as to how to make it work. I don't know what I'm doing. I have been working on this issue for as long as I have been old enough to realize it was a concern.

Dad Jokes

I was taking the 14 year old to seminary today. She was telling me how she was excited to be going back after a two year break. She said she needed her dad jokes. Apparently, her teacher is known for them. I'm glad she has someone to fill in the gap. I'm thankful that for the most part - what we might have felt like we were lacking has been swallowed up in others filling in the spaces.