Yesterday

Yesterday, I started my day missing Layne. It might not be a good sign when you start the day crying. The day moved forward - hurrying while all five of us used the same bathroom to get ready and then we were off to church. While there I was able to feel the spirit and receive some inspiration from message/lessons/thoughts that were shared. I spoke with several others...getting the update on what was going on with them and with one in particular...how I could help. I had questions answered about upcoming events. After church, I was able to meet with someone from both the Bishopric and Stake Presidency in order to renew my temple recommend. That's not usually a thing. I'm grateful they took the time for me. It felt like my own little miracle.

Once we were home, we took a breather and then I had the kids get the veggie tray items together to share at a family event we were heading to that evening. We drove to my folks house and were able to witness my newest nephew, James, given a name and a blessing. He's the first child of my sister Nicole and her husband Danny. Memorable experience. 

While we were there I had a chance to meet a few people that were new to me and visit with those that I already know and love. There was a time when I suddenly hit a wall and the words, "I'm exhausted.", came to mind. After that, I felt as if I was just observing the conversations of others...wanting to be someone that was engaged in chatting with others and strengthening relationships. I guess that takes energy. I attempted conversation a couple of times...didn't quite work. 

I was also discouraged a little. One of my kids acted on emotion and did something that they knew they shouldn't have done and yet didn't quite see what the other options might be. We had a long talk. In the end - not sure anything was changed - but, we did have some things we will be working on together. After that talk, I felt even more worn out. I had thoughts of wishing I wasn't needing to do this parenting thing without my husband. I might have had a thought about how it wasn't fair. It wasn't fair he was gone and it wasn't fair I was doing everything on my own. It didn't seem fair that I didn't even have the energy to associate with others.

I spoke with my dad for a few minutes about finances too. That's hard for me. I don't like thinking about the necessary evil that is money. Maybe I wouldn't mind it if I actually had it. He's been helping with some things and reminded me of an offer to help with another piece of my kids' lives. I get discouraged and feel like a disappointment at times when I think of how I grew up and what my financial scenario is now. I don't know how I fell so far. I can't seem to get back up either. I watch the opportunities that my kids' cousins have and I know my kids will never have those things. Things that will help them to get further ahead quicker. Things that will make it so they won't struggle their whole lives just to make sure physical needs are met. We want more for our kids than that. I can't offer that to them. There are things that I would enjoy too. But, those things don't feel as important as enriching my children's lives.

We stayed around for a bit more and finally headed home. I made sure food was put away and then headed for bed. By that time, my kids were telling me to go to bed. Was I being grouchy? Was I not making sense? Was I dragging so much that they thought I wouldn't make it up the stairs to my room? I don't know. I just know I was tired and it didn't take me long to head into dreamland.

More Than Furniture

I've been trying to get things updated in the house. They have been needed for awhile. I'll be grateful when everything is done. I'm aware that with a house and yard there will always be something to do. I'm making that statement specifically about the list of current projects. I'm thankful that the last little while I've been able to think more clearly and make decisions a little better. I think most of the widow's fog is gone - maybe. It might be a little like when I was pregnant and the kids were little - people would joke about losing brain cells with every pregnancy. Maybe there's something similar when it comes to being a widow.
I really starting writing this because yesterday I received an email from the service missionaries in our ward. Well, they're not members of our ward - they're serving in our ward - helping with some of the temporal and fellowshipping needs that are in our ward. They reached out asking if there was furniture I could use. I told them yes and it was delivered last night. There was a desk/chair and a chest of drawers. I thought to put them in my room. Although, when the girls saw the desk and sat in the chair...they got excited about having those things in their room. I actually like the idea - so, we're going to go with it. They are thrilled to have somewhere to sit besides their beds or the floor. One of the current projects is to update my bedroom a little bit. It's more of a purge, paint, move the furniture, and get new blinds kind of project. The only money spent was going to be paint and the blinds. I felt as if someone was telling me that it's okay to have something new (to me) in my room as well. That it was okay to have a chest of drawers that was something different than what we picked up pre-estate sale from one of Layne's coworkers and had used since we first got married. What I have now would still have been able to function. It's just that it'll be nice to have something new - a new look, I guess. For some reason this time it felt like someone was looking out for me...giving me something that I wasn't expecting...just because. I think Layne might have had something to do with it.  At least I like to think so.

To Decide Or Not To Decide

We're redoing our bathrooms. I just picked out tile for the hall bathroom floor. It took me awhile. I sure wish Layne were there to help me out. It wouldn't have taken so long to decide. He was always better at all of that than I was. I hope what I finally chose will actually work. It seems like there are so many decisions to make. There are schedules to coordinate. It's getting done - but, I don't feel like I'm doing a very good job of it all. At least it's finally happening - so, that's good. 

Layne was good at deciding and not worrying too much about whether it was the right decision or not. It would have been great to have someone else there to bring up other ideas and factors. I don't really like making decisions on my own...well, mostly. There are sometimes it's not a big deal. 

The other cool thing about having Layne around is that he could do the heavy lifting. Seriously, it would have been fabulous to have his healthy self there to heft the boxes of tile. I struggled a bit.

Random Acts Nomination

I was watching Random Acts with the girls. I asked them who they would nominate. Their immediate reaction was to say, "Umm, you.". It wasn't said like they had to think about it. It was decisive and almost as if they were saying, "well, duh.". It was as if I should have known what they would say. They said they would nominate me because of all the stuff I'm doing all by myself. One of them even said I was raising two kids by myself. What? I have four children. They all live in this house. They all have needs. I didn't understand that one. I guess child number three thinks that the older siblings are already grown up. Whatever.