Time Will Tell

Today marks 28 months...getting closer to two and a half years. That's what I tell people now...about two and a half years. It's just easier to stick with half years now. Who knows? Maybe several years from now I'll just say how many years. It's almost like when the kids were born - at first parents count in days, then weeks, then months, then years and half years, then just years. Maybe keeping track of how long Layne has been gone will work the same way. Time will tell.

Single Parent Day

I'm having a single parent day. It just feels like several things have happened to remind me that it's hard to be everything, do everything, and cover all topics when you're a single parent. I even mentioned something to my kids today about how I'm not able to manage everything on my own and that I'm trying. I know there are privileges and opportunities that I can't give them. But, at the same time, I'm doing what I can to make things work. I am far from perfect - our lives are far from perfect. I feel bad that I'm not able to give my kids more. They deserve more. They need more. I wish I could give it to them. I just can't give what I don't have. There are things we'd still be in the habit of doing if Layne were still here. There are more things we'd be able to do and have if he were here. I appreciate the help we receive...very much, in fact. It's just that I'm not able to give the kids everything they need - in more than just material ways. Okay. So, realistically the kids have their physical needs met and no one is being abused or neglected. I guess that's a good place to start. The kids know they are loved - even though there are moments they act like they don't believe me. They are grateful for the material items they do have. They know there are not funds for more and they are brave and act as if that's just fine. Sometimes I think they don't know what they're missing out on. Well, until they look at their cousins - and then they figure out that something is different. I use them as an example because most of the kids my kids know are in similar situations. Basic needs are met - but, there's not much more. There are plenty of fabulous and truly happy people that don't own much. I'm just thinking and wishing that I had a way to give my kids more opportunities.

Social Media Reminders

I occasionally have a hard time when I see others posting (on social media) about their significant others. I understand wanting to share that it's your anniversary, or their birthday, or that they helped you out in a huge way. Most of the time...I'm fine. I'm happy for them and grateful they have positive things to share. I'm even thankful friends and family have someone amazing in their lives. It's just that some days...it's hard. Sometimes I feel a little jealous. (Maybe. It might be another word I'm needing.) Or maybe it's a reminder that my husband isn't here. It might trigger a memory of a time that Layne was a huge help. Or at times it makes me think about how I'm on my own. It's just another reminder that I'm single and don't have someone to celebrate with, for, or because of...