No Longer Date Night

I spent a little time shedding some tears tonight. I felt both lonely and alone. I'm not sure how to define or explain that...somehow I really was feeling two different things. I felt very much like I had no one to turn to and like I were all by myself at the same time. I know those sound so similar that I might as well consider them the same thing. At the same time...they didn't feel like the same thing.  The kids were home doing their thing. So, a person would think that I wouldn't feel either alone or lonely with 4+ teens in the house. (A friend was here for a bit.) I allowed myself to acknowledge that there are times a widow is going to feel lonely. I'm used to Friday being date night. And, here I am feeling alone at home. I didn't tell my kids. They came into my room and talked with me a couple of times. I just wasn't feeling it somehow. They all had their own topics to discuss. That's what they think I'm here for...to talk with them anytime about anything. I mostly love that. (I love the part about them feeling comfortable sharing with me.) It's a little harder when I'm feeling alone and almost as if I want to be left alone. I needed time to process what I was feeling and why. There were a couple of moments during my tears when I thought about action I needed to take to not feel alone. I asked myself about ways I could make friends and what I could be doing with those that I already know...both family and friends. It was odd to feel so lonely that I felt a little helpless. I'm not used to feeling that way. I'm grateful that for the most part - I feel like life is relatively good. I feel very blessed. It's just that realistically...I don't have a someone. That can feel lonely after experiencing and being used to having 'a person' in your daily life for years.