Scents

Just yesterday, I was in the locker room at the local rec center and smelled the strong scent of someone else's soap. For some reason, it made me think of what Layne used to use. I realized I'm not really sure what it's like to know the 'smell of Layne' anymore. I don't know if that sounds odd. But, I don't really remember what he smelled like. I remember I always liked snuggling in. I remember he had a hard time with scents - so, he didn't wear cologne and I never wore perfume. I was fine with that. I was never really in the habit anyway. One less thing to think about/purchase. I also remember he would tell me I smelled good or times he would randomly move in close and smell my hair. So, no perfume, just long hair that smelled 'good'. I guess everyone has their thing.
As I was thinking about the scent of things...I also realized that just a week or so before that...I had something else trigger a thought that I don't remember what it feels like to kiss Layne. I don't remember how the physical closeness felt. Hmm...sounds kind of lonely.

Remembering and Forgetting

I saw this picture from years ago just yesterday. I realized that I don't remember what it's like to have Layne's arms around me. I was thinking just last week - while in my 'being ill for days' nightmare - that I don't remember what it feels like to have him kiss me. I don't remember the typical physical closeness that happens in a marriage. I remember those things with Layne. I just don't remember what it's like anymore. I don't remember what it feels like to casually sit and hold someone's hand...or what it's like to fall asleep with someone laying next to me in bed. It all seems so long ago and a little foreign now. I'm not sure what to think about it. I can't think about it too much or I will likely start to cry a little. Likely...as if that's not what I'm doing right now. Just writing this was thinking about it for too long I guess. My thoughts of Layne and a former life have to be brief snippets or I miss it and him. And, that doesn't feel good. Time to move on with my day.

South Carolina Reunion
Summer 2010